Perfect Timing

This is very difficult for me to write. Not because it is literally hard to write, but because it may not be my story to tell and I hope I’m not crossing boundaries. The reason I decided to write this here is because when the end result of a difficult time is happy and it turns out to feel like a miracle, then sharing seems to be the right thing to do.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was never one to love children, so it was natural that when my now husband, then boyfriend told me he wanted to wait at least five years before having kids, I happily and easily agreed. Five years seemed fair because we were very young (22 and 23) so if I started to have children at 27 or 28, we’d be just fine.

And so the first couple of years of our marriage we had a ton of fun. We partied, we traveled, we spent money and spent every moment we had enjoying our time together. There was nothing holding us back, no one to answer to except ourselves and we are very much the kind of people that easily persuade each other to do the fun as opposed to the responsible thing. If you’re wondering where I’m going with this, be patient, please. I’m giving you all this history so you know that I really wasn’t the type of person yearning to become pregnant and never second-guessed my decision to wait five years. And so I never thought that my daughter’s arrival to this world would be so significant, more than the average baby arrival.

Sometime in 1999, two years after we were married, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. First the news that she might have cancer, then the biopsy, then the difficult and sad outcome, it is all very hard to take when it affects the people that you love the most. I say this both because of her and because of my husband. No matter how strong she is and no matter how cold he can be, at least on the surface, neither is unbreakable and I suffered along with them. Their worries were mine and their fear became my own as well.

When my mother in law began chemotherapy, and the side effects began to show, both physically and emotionally, our goal was always to try and make her feel better. But she is not the kind of person that will let you in on what she’s really feeling, she hides, she fakes, she tries so hard not to put that burden on you. This isn’t always a good thing, since we knew she needed our support but at the same time, did not give us much room for it.

Then it happened. Elizabeth decided to come into our lives because she did not see the fact that mom and dad wanted to wait five years. She did not consider the fact that mom and dad might not have been emotionally or financially ready. All she saw was that someone in what was soon to be her family, desperately needed her and so she took matters into her own hands. On the day I confirmed I was pregnant, we called my husband’s parents to give them the news. I have pictures of my mother in law, with a smile so wide and her eyes so bright that for a moment we all forgot about cancer, operations and therapies.

But that wasn’t really the miracle I was referring to. The miracle itself was something that happened when I was about six months pregnant and my mother in law was still in chemo and trying to recover. This is when, for the first time, she told me (and only me) exactly what she was going through. She let it out and allowed herself to be emotional for the first time since she’d been diagnosed a year earlier. I was touched by the fact that she confided in me, but the real reason she was telling me this was because of my daughter. She confessed that my baby was the one who gave her the strength to get through whatever life threw her way. She told me the feelings that she experienced, which were uncomprehensible to me and which I won't disclose here. But in the end, I understood that this grandchild was who kept her going. So, who was I to complain about the timing of my pregnancy?

That is a miracle. That Eli knew exactly when to drop in and say: here I am, the tiniest member of this family. Take my hand, I’ll help you through this difficult time and I’ll be sure to see you on the other side.

And the final result of this experience is the bond that was formed between my daughter and her grandma. This is something that none of us can understand, only they know what is going on. They love each other in a way that is beautiful to watch, even if it's only from the sidelines. And if you're thinking that I am jelous because of this, you're very wrong, I am not so selfish. This is their miracle and it cannot be broken, corrupted or bent...