Perfect Timing

This is very difficult for me to write. Not because it is literally hard to write, but because it may not be my story to tell and I hope I’m not crossing boundaries. The reason I decided to write this here is because when the end result of a difficult time is happy and it turns out to feel like a miracle, then sharing seems to be the right thing to do.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was never one to love children, so it was natural that when my now husband, then boyfriend told me he wanted to wait at least five years before having kids, I happily and easily agreed. Five years seemed fair because we were very young (22 and 23) so if I started to have children at 27 or 28, we’d be just fine.

And so the first couple of years of our marriage we had a ton of fun. We partied, we traveled, we spent money and spent every moment we had enjoying our time together. There was nothing holding us back, no one to answer to except ourselves and we are very much the kind of people that easily persuade each other to do the fun as opposed to the responsible thing. If you’re wondering where I’m going with this, be patient, please. I’m giving you all this history so you know that I really wasn’t the type of person yearning to become pregnant and never second-guessed my decision to wait five years. And so I never thought that my daughter’s arrival to this world would be so significant, more than the average baby arrival.

Sometime in 1999, two years after we were married, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. First the news that she might have cancer, then the biopsy, then the difficult and sad outcome, it is all very hard to take when it affects the people that you love the most. I say this both because of her and because of my husband. No matter how strong she is and no matter how cold he can be, at least on the surface, neither is unbreakable and I suffered along with them. Their worries were mine and their fear became my own as well.

When my mother in law began chemotherapy, and the side effects began to show, both physically and emotionally, our goal was always to try and make her feel better. But she is not the kind of person that will let you in on what she’s really feeling, she hides, she fakes, she tries so hard not to put that burden on you. This isn’t always a good thing, since we knew she needed our support but at the same time, did not give us much room for it.

Then it happened. Elizabeth decided to come into our lives because she did not see the fact that mom and dad wanted to wait five years. She did not consider the fact that mom and dad might not have been emotionally or financially ready. All she saw was that someone in what was soon to be her family, desperately needed her and so she took matters into her own hands. On the day I confirmed I was pregnant, we called my husband’s parents to give them the news. I have pictures of my mother in law, with a smile so wide and her eyes so bright that for a moment we all forgot about cancer, operations and therapies.

But that wasn’t really the miracle I was referring to. The miracle itself was something that happened when I was about six months pregnant and my mother in law was still in chemo and trying to recover. This is when, for the first time, she told me (and only me) exactly what she was going through. She let it out and allowed herself to be emotional for the first time since she’d been diagnosed a year earlier. I was touched by the fact that she confided in me, but the real reason she was telling me this was because of my daughter. She confessed that my baby was the one who gave her the strength to get through whatever life threw her way. She told me the feelings that she experienced, which were uncomprehensible to me and which I won't disclose here. But in the end, I understood that this grandchild was who kept her going. So, who was I to complain about the timing of my pregnancy?

That is a miracle. That Eli knew exactly when to drop in and say: here I am, the tiniest member of this family. Take my hand, I’ll help you through this difficult time and I’ll be sure to see you on the other side.

And the final result of this experience is the bond that was formed between my daughter and her grandma. This is something that none of us can understand, only they know what is going on. They love each other in a way that is beautiful to watch, even if it's only from the sidelines. And if you're thinking that I am jelous because of this, you're very wrong, I am not so selfish. This is their miracle and it cannot be broken, corrupted or bent...

The Party Hat

Have you ever been too embarrassed to ask for directions? For a second serving at a dinner party? For the teacher to repeat the question? Anything like that at all? I know most of us have remained quiet at some point in our lives and later regretted that, even in a seemingly insignificant situation.

Even though most kids are not as corrupted by society as most adults, so as to become doubtful or reserved, I have seen many children shy away when approached by adults or other kids. I have also seen so many others who beg their moms to order for them at a restaurant or be their voice in other similar situations...Not Elizabeth, no, not her at all.

She is outgoing by nature, shares a cheerful personality with her dad, and is not afraid to approach a "new" kid and ask "do you want to be my friend?". But even knowing this, she still manages to impress me at times. Being the terrible mother that I am, I tend to get exasperated by her stubbornness and I have convinced myself that she is the one child that will NEVER tire of asking the same question again and again, and again...And ... Again.

But as of Saturday, I have decided that this is one of her best qualities and she will eventually accomplish what she sets out to accomplish in life if she continues to be this way. At one of those heaven-for-kids-pizza-buffets on Saturday, there was a birthday party being celebrated next to our table, complete with balloons, cake and party hats. The second we walked in, Eli said she wanted a party hat too. We explained that this was not a party she was invited to, so she couldn't have one.

When we walked past the birthday table, she mentioned the hats again, and even began walking towards that table, and I had to remind her she couldn't take one. She mentioned this every time she got up for pizza, and every time she looked towards the party and remembered the hats, and every second in between that. Then she did what she does when we stop paying attention her repeated requests: she made up a song of what was going on, and it went a little like this: "I want a party hat, I've never had a party hat, I just want to wear a party hat because at my party, there were no party hats...I want a party hat..."

This is enough to drive anyone nuts, so I, in my terrible-mother-exasperated-voice told her that if she wanted one so badly, she should just go ask for one, but I also warned her that they'd probably say no. She did not hesitate and crawling under the table, happily went and asked the lady who looked in charge if she could have one.

Her disappointed look and empty hands when walking back made me feel terrible. Even when I told her she wouldn't get one, I was hoping she would. But it turns out she asked the wrong person, and the mom was busy somewhere else, so she decided to sit patiently and wait for the mom to appear. She did, and before Eli could walk to their table, the lady had explained to the mom and the mom brought Eli her hat and a cup with party favors. You should have seen the look on Eli's face, it was a Kodak moment (and I didn't have my camera! !@#$%^). Her face lit up, she put on the hat and the happiest smile I have seen, said thanks in her sweet voice and turned to us with a triumphant look in her face. But it doesn't end there, the mom came again and asked our permission to have Eli sing Happy Birthday along with the other kids so she could have some cake.

So, what started out as one of her many nagging moments, turned out to be a lesson for me, I will never stop her from going for what she wants. And Eli, well, she got her cake and ate it too.

P.S. I wish I had a picture of the ride back home, Eli with her party hat on, slouched over, asleep in the back of the car.